The Style Invitational Week 1015 Faux re mi
By Pat Myers, Thursday, March 28, 2:40 PM
Jimi Hendrix’s first band in high
school, the Li’l Stinkers, did polkas at weddings in the Seattle area. (Jeff Brechlin)
Carlos Guitarra, inventor of the
stringed instrument that bears his name, had six fingers on each hand. (Steve Fahey)
The tune to the Oscar Mayer wiener
jingle is an upbeat version of a dirge that Viking warriors would sing before
beheading an enemy. (Mike Herring)
Every so often here in Loserland,
we like to put our career in “Jeopardy!” by sharing some fascinating facts — or
what would be fascinating facts if they weren’t totally bogus. We’ve had contests for fictoids in medicine, history, the movies; today, at the suggestion of Xtreme Loser Chris
Doyle: Give us some humorously false trivia about music or musicians, as
in the examples above from a general-fictoid contest we ran in 2007.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a box of genuine Dried Fish Floss crackers, which
will give your piranhas the cleanest teeth in town. Actually, it’s a Southeast
Asian delicacy of very lightweight flakes of fish, and is probably delicious
except for its English name, much like the Mexican corn smut we gave away a few
years ago. Donated by Loser Marleen May.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a
smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, April 8; results published April 28 (online April 25). No more than 25
entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1015” in
your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable
mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative
headline in the “Next week’s results” line is by Chris Doyle. Join the
lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 1011, in which, to commemorate the Style Invitational’s
20th anni-versary, the Empress challenged you to enter (or reenter) any of the
dozens of contests included in that week’s retrospective:
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
For Week 531, cynical takes
on inspirational platitudes:
If you can make just one
person laugh, maybe comedy’s not your thing. (Robert
Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
2. Winner of the bumpy brown
PooPen (yes, we are so, so sophisticated):
For Week 565, a song parody
reflecting modern America:
To “Do You Hear the People
Sing?” from “Les Miserables”
Do you hear the people scream,
Screaming the screeds of
angry men?
Hear it on MSNBC and Fox
And even CNN.
In the Twitter feeds and
blogs,
Everyone has to have his say.
This is why we get nothing
done
In the
U.S.A.
Now from gun control to taxes
to our military might,
We can never see a shade of
gray. It’s only black and white.
There’s no middle ground. We
just go round and round in the fight!
(Repeat chorus) (Barbara Sarshik, McLean, Va.)
3. For Week 580, combine two
countries:
Kazakhstan + Botswana =
Kazawana: Where they never explain and never apologize. (Frank
Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
4. For Week 913, move the
last letter of a word to the beginning to make a new word:
Yapolog: A long, tiresome
expression of remorse. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Picked oeuvre: honorable mentions
Week 508 (and others), change
a word by one letter:
Spukiyaki: Japanese potluck. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Capocalypse: Ovechkin tears
his ACL. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
Lickety-splat: The
speed of a skydiver whose chute won’t open. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Vulcano: Eruption in the
social media over the mere mention of a Jedi mind meld.—
B.H.O., Washington (Nancy Schwalb, Washington)
Vacumen: The rare ability to
find a mate who will clean up after himself. (Mitch Bailin,
Bethesda, Md.)
Wannabis: People looking to
break into the drug trade. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village,
Md.)
Week 531, inspirational
platitudes turned cynical: To find a prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
And in your case, you’ll probably end up sleeping with them, too. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Week 545, spell a word
backward:
Knurd: Guy in tights and a
jester hat at the Renaissance Faire who’s had a bit too much “mead.” (Mark
Raffman)
Yellup: How to get an old
elevator to work. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Week 547, things a real brand
name would be bad for:
Speed Stick works for
deodorant, but not for a male escort service. (Robert Schechter)
Caterpillar is a good name for
construction equipment but a bad one for a suppository. (Kevin Dopart)
Week 557, compare two people
whose names have a common element:
Ed McMahon: Here’s Johnny. Ed
Gein: Wears Johnny. (Kevin Dopart)
Week 565, song parodies about
modern America:
To “You Can’t Get a Man with
a Gun” from
“Annie Get Your Gun” (start the video at 0:35 to hear the tune)
Our Second Amendment!
The words the Framers penned
meant
That
restrictions on arms were done.
Now we don’t need to stifle
the urge to buy a rifle
’Cause we
can’t keep a man from a gun.
We let you be choosy. A Glock
or Sig or Uzi
Can be
purchased for shooting fun.
And the clip that’s within it
-- five hundred rounds a minute.
Oh, you bet! You can get any
gun.
Any gun! Any gun! Yes, you
bet you can get any gun!
Those checks, we don’t need
’em, our loopholes supersede ’em.
And in shootings we’re Number
1!
Oh, we aren’t despotic, we’re patri-idi-otic
And our weapons our hot (but
we’re not when we’re shot)
Oh, we can’t keep a man from
a gun. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) [see one more Week 565 parody near the bottom]
Week 568, puns on
book titles: What did we say when we were very young and constipated? We Need a
Poo. (Chris Doyle)
Week 580, combine two
countries: Taiwan + Gabon: Taiwanon: Known for its multi-party system. (Kevin
Dopart)
Macao + South Africa =
Macaca: Fast-growing new country, founded to provided
asylum for disgraced politicians. (Frank Osen)
Ecuador + Hungary = Ecuahung:
the only country where all men truly are created equal. (Howard
Walderman, Columbia, Md.)
Weeks 583 and 786, “Mess With
Our Heads” bank headlines:
Post headline: States issue
third-grade ultimatum on reading
Fake bank head: ‘If you don’t
open that book right now, I’m telling Mom,’ lawmakers declare (Mike Gips,
Bethesda)
Post: Metro tries to build
the bus rider’s dream
Bank: Many question
auto-manufacturing venture (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Post: Nine apply for D.C.
charter schools
Bank: ‘We never expected
enrollment to drop that low,’ board chief says (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring,
Md.)
Post: A handy tool for bakers
and travelers alike
Bank: Rolling pin perfect for
bopping grabby TSA agents, say frequent fliers (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge,
Va.; the headline actually referred to an app for measurement units]
Post: Mummies show hardening
of the arteries
Bank: 4,000 years without
exercise may be cause, scientists believe (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Dave Prevar,
Annapolis, Md.)
Week 648, stupid questions
for product hotlines: “I used your Angel Soft Bath Tissue in the tub, but it
totally fell apart!” (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
Week 695, poems about people
who died in 2006: Marcel Marceau
Without a word inside a box
of air the great mime stood,
Still silent is the mime, but
now the box is made of wood. (Mark Raffman)
Week 706, take a sentence
from a Post story and supply a question it could answer:
Post: “My 13 hours were just
the beginning.”
Q: Why does Mrs. Rand Paul
now forbid her husband to use Viagra? (Steve Honley, Washington)
Post: If it were to happen I
think that it probably wouldn’t be all that well received.
Q. An all-dog football team —
how would they even be able to throw a pass? (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)
Week 749, redefine a word
beginning with A to H: Hostage: The feeling you get when guests won’t leave. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)
Week 871, change a movie
title by one letter or number:
“The Hurt
Licker.” This mom isn’t content to
just “kiss it and make it better.” (Mark Raffman)
“Bob & Carol & Ted
& Lice”: The downside of sharing a bed. (Craig Dykstra,
Centreville, Va.)
Week 891, palindrome
sentences:
Toilet
paper, good. NOT good: paper
toilet. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Week 900, “Dear Blank” notes:
Dear Carly Rae Jepsen:
You’re welcome. Sincerely,
Alexander Graham Bell (Michael Solano, Ha Khabo, Lesotho, a First Offender)
Week 925, redefine a word
beginning with I to O:
Outhouse (v.): To buy a
McMansion with a fancier bathroom than your neighbor’s. (Beverley Sharp)
Krakatoa: A South Seas
version of soccer, played barefoot with a coconut. (Sheila
Blume, Sayville, N.Y.)
Week 947, neologisms
featuring the letter block N-O-E-L in any order: Nolectorate: Republicans
living in Montgomery County, Md., and Democrats living in Montgomery County,
Tex. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia)
Week 519, only-in-D.C. pickup
lines:
Are you a female minority
service-disabled veteran small business owner? Because I’ve
set aside 13 percent of my heart for you. (Ben Aronin,
Arlington, Va.)
Week 494, a mundane passage
in the style of a famous writer:
Peter Piper, a la the poet
Gerard Manley Hopkins:
Ah Piper, Peter, róck
grime-múcked—but a vein
Of what
pure ore (poor oaf) thee grids unsmelted?
With turf-trudge worn, with
thorn-crossed creeper welted
For Éngland! Sílage-sóul of
her, bilge of her brain!
Picked peppers, hast thou?
Fruit innocent as rain,
The crunch-curve curl that
inners it, rind-belted,
To acid sweetness smarted is,
tarted is, melted,
Lush long legume layerwise
thou loadst again!
Why do tongues twist thee,
trolloping tongues traduce thee?
Sure they’re to
seashore-seashell-seller spells riper;
Do plosive pratfall pranks
yet again produce thee
With half-of-it, laugh-at-it
sayspells grossly tickled?
Príde in it! Péal, póur, pélt
on us, Píper,
Próduce! Príze picking peppers,
yes, Peter, pickled! (Peg Hausman, Vienna, Va.)
Another parody from Week
565:
To the “Major-General’s Song”
from “The Pirates of Penzance,” perhaps the most parodied song ever
I am the very model of a
modern-day American
Who lauds this country constantly
and sings its praise whene’er he can.
I’m heaping adulation on my
grand, unblemished motherland:
Just come to the United
States, and know you’ll need no other land!
I’ll scorn and shun each man
who cannot speak our language fluently;
I’ll mock our politicians on
the left and right congruently.
And when it comes to matters
of my weight, it has propensity
To follow a
trajectory of ever-growing density.
I’ll scrutinize the tabloids;
see which couple will dichotomize.
Don’t broach cerebral
subjects, or my brain will self-lobotomize!
In short, in matters
worshipful of U.S.-based mentality,
This model of a citizen’s not
anchored in reality. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)
And last: Week 519,
only-in-D.C. pickup lines: Hey, baby, can I buy you a drrrrink? Speaking of . . . ink, did you know I’ve been published
in The Washington Post? I happen to have some samples with me. . .
(Mike Gips)
Next week: The News at 5, or Man Bites
Doggerel